Day 13: Kindness

How lovely this one is. I thought I would have no trouble coming up with a range of acts of kindness but now that we are in proper lockdown again I’m suddenly limited. I can’t go and help out at voluntary events, I have so few people I interact with as I work from home. I have cooked some special meals for my lovely man – but is it kindness if it’s for someone you love?

Continue reading “Day 13: Kindness”

Meeting anxiety

10am. So that huge project I was working on last week is on the agenda for tonight’s meeting.

I woke up with the usual Monday meeting knot in my stomach. This is a different type of fear. Although maybe its all related. This one is the familiar meeting anxiety which, before I try to push away with work and distractions, I will dissect to see what it’s actually made of. There is the general social anxiety of a meeting full of people, but tangled up in it is the following:

Continue reading “Meeting anxiety”

Allotment Diary – Whitehall, Winter Greens and Worms!

It’s all too wonderful. My nails are dirty, my hair is windswept, my trousers are muddy and I am so peaceful.

I’ve had a huge project on at work this week, so have put my 21 days on hold for a bit, but I still make sure I get at least a half hour of gardening in everyday.

Continue reading “Allotment Diary – Whitehall, Winter Greens and Worms!”

Day 11: Gratitude

This one is so lovely. And easy. And makes me so happy.

I read about the benefits of gratitude ages ago, so I started writing my thank yous at the end of each day. The idea is to find at least five new things to be grateful for each day, and either write them down or say them out loud. Even on the shittiest days I found there was always something to be grateful for, even it was ‘Thank you that we have a soundproof ladies room at work so I can have a proper cry before the policy meeting,’ – not resoundingly joyous, but still something. I found that on the worst days I would try harder to find positives so I got quite good at finding little snippets of good in amongst the bad, and I found that really comforting. It’s like when we were kids we were told before we could say something mean about someone we had to first say ten nice things, after which that one hurtful thing would sort of lose its power.

Continue reading “Day 11: Gratitude”

Day Ten: Gardening

Oh my days the happiness! I have tried not to spend silly money on any of my wellness investigations but this is one that deserves some pennies because it is such a fabulous investment.

A few weeks ago I was chatting to my good friend on the street, about how much I miss having a garden, and she said, ‘Oh my parents are looking for someone to look after an allotment in their garden.’

‘What? Really? I would LOVE to!’

Continue reading “Day Ten: Gardening”

Day Nine: Exercise

Oh my God I should have started with this one. It’s so flipping essential. I know this, why have I let it slip?

About twenty years ago I was in such a religious bubble that I didn’t know how to speak to real people and was painfully shy in all secular social settings. I happened to go for a run with a non-church friend one day, and I found that afterwards, I could chat and laugh with my friend with zero inhibitions. I decided running would be my way to overcome social uncertainty, and tried to fit in a run before any stressful social event.

Continue reading “Day Nine: Exercise”

Day Eight: Emotional Freedom Technique

This is a bizarre method of tapping on acupressure points and telling yourself you love and accept yourself regardless of the bad feelings. I was taught the technique by a lovely religious lady a few years ago, and even then I was skeptical. It did seem to work though, even if it was by virtue of placebo based self delusion. There was one occasion when I was hurt so badly by someone right before a meeting, and I had one minute to snap out of the sobbing, which, with a few taps on my eyebrows and chin, I managed in an instant. It really might just be the practice of doing something completely different that tricks your brain into thinking you must be fine now, but it did work.

Continue reading “Day Eight: Emotional Freedom Technique”

Day Seven: Connection

Yes, I’m even further behind now in my daily plan. After Friday’s adrenaline drenched adventures, I was wiped out all weekend. I forget that after my body has experienced an 8 or 9 level panic attack, there is a moment of incredible bliss where I slide right down to a 5, and I am massively grateful for steady breathing and not trembling, but it’s still not perfect. What follows is usually a couple of days of exhaustion and lethargy in level 5, in which I still can’t eat properly – which adds to the weakness – and I am mostly curled up on the sofa under two blankets. No motivation, no focus, and no fun to be around at all. The fortunate timing meant that I had a whole weekend to soak up my somnolence, and didn’t need to snap out of it until Monday morning. Clever timing there, little panic-maker, it’s almost as if you know my schedule! So, while I thought I’d have the energy and enthusiasm for a deep dive into the mysterious motivations of my inner child, I realised that’s a subject which requires a strength I haven’t quite got yet, and will be addressed in a few days when I reach day 13.

Continue reading “Day Seven: Connection”

Bonus chapter: surprise panic attack!

And on a day when I have done so many of my mental health practices – exercise, meditation, cold flipping shower, walk in nature, and an hour of breathing techniques. It still flipping got me.

It was creeping up on me all day, minor trembles, a couple of visits to the loo, and then it hit in earnest just after my love went to work for his night shift. So much wretching I thought this time there would be actual vomit, but no, just the empty hollow lurch of my entire self over the loo, accompanied by the usual rush of hot and then cold, and the lightheaded dizziness of not being able to breathe properly.

Continue reading “Bonus chapter: surprise panic attack!”