Saturday June 3. 6.30am

Of course I wake up anxious. Before the alarm. I’m scared of both parkrun at 9am and the skydive at 1pm. Hopefully the happy parkrun endorphins will carry me happily to an easy jump this afternoon.

But it’s good to have some feelings. It’s been so very easy and chill these two New Zealand weeks, the scariest thing so far was telling the cafe people they’d forgotten my lunch and then trying not to listen while they all whisper argued about who’s fault it was before the many apologetic offers of cake or extra coffee. I got a rush of actual dread when I realised it had been half an hour and I’d have to say something. 

So, why parkrun? Very much for the achievement and parkrun points and the photo and the Strava to connect me back to Melksham. 

Why skydive? Because after two very easy weeks I want to challenge myself and get out of my comfort zone today. My last full day. And as my New York brother says, what would you regret not doing? 

8. 23am

Sick with anxiety now. Not taking any chill pills. Now have the fear of being a bad person because it says no skydive if you have diarrhoea and of course I’ve had an anxious bathroom this morning, which I  know is not diarrhoea but do I need to declare it with all the associated shame and loose 200 quid today? 

There’s my fear before parkrun. See how I feel in an hour

1214

Parkrun was great. Happy, chatty, confident for a bit. Beautiful lakeside run in Queenstown Gardens and as we all ran past that bit of forest where I’d made a pine cone heart last week, I looked over to see if it was still there. All I could see were two girls taking a photo of something on the ground and as I got closer I saw it was my still perfect heart made of cones. No way! How lovely. With a good time of 31 minutes, and some cheerful chats with the other finishers, I went back home to wait the three hours with the next fear. 

‘Just don’t think about it,’ Dave said dismissively, as if that was an option. Jen, who was mowing the lawn suggested I do some gardening and I gratefully spent two hours weeding before getting ready, which was helpfully distracting. A shower was pretty essential since I would be strapped to stranger soon, and as I stood there in the warm water feeling the dread I remembered the benefits of a cold shower, and managed a couple of minutes stood under icy winter water. The sudden rush of blood was instantly calming and now instead of sick I’m just shaking. No anxiety pill yet but I have four ready in my phone case and four more in my back pocket. 

‘Don’t take those!’ said Dave. 

‘I won’t, I just need them nearby.’ 

‘Just stop thinking about it!’ 

Excited right, not scared. Its a glorious blue sky day, it will be be beautiful up there. 45 seconds freefall.

Dave just said, ‘You want some lunch?’ 

‘No thank you.’ 

‘Haa haa!’ 

Can I just be there now please? 

12.56 at the place.

So scared I’ve reached a place of weird calm. Feel so sick though.

Dave just dropped me off, I was already panicking in the stuck traffic so I jumped out and ran down Shotover Street here to the NZONE shop. Bang on 12.50. 

The place was full. Lady at the desk checked me in and weighed me. ‘Great, just take a seat. There’ll be a briefing at one.’ No need to rush after all. 

13.15. I cried during the briefing video – people tandem jumping, mountains, music, fear. Of course I’m crying, it’s insane. Back to the waiting room and everyone’s queuing up at the desk. I ask the guy next to me what they’re doing. ‘Oh probably booking the video,’ he says.

‘Oh I’m not doing that,’ I say, trying to be cool. ‘That’s just too much.’

‘Yeah it’s expensive, but you’re only gunna do this once,’ he says.

‘Well…’ 

‘Better to have got it than not got it and regret it,’ he says, knowingly. So I reluctantly queue up and it takes two attempts to type my PIN with all this trembling. 

Mini achievement. I come back and show the guy my receipt. ‘Did it!’ I grin. ‘Well done.’ 

Then there’s a roll call from the desk – ‘Thomas, 15,000 feet with handicam.’ Yep! 

‘Choi, 9,000 feet, no handicam.’ Yes. 

‘Miriam, 12,000 feet with handicam.’ Yep.

I do a quick facebook post because I have a sudden need to tell everyone I love them. 

1.25 Now in the bus going up the mountain. Feel better since I’m surrounded by 20 calm people. It is contagious. We’re sailing along at the foot of the Remarkables. Just stunning. Thank you. 

Here’s my deal with muself. The 100 quid for the video is worth it in exchange for not drinking for the rest of June. I don’t need alcohol because look at how brave I am. 

14.08

At the dropzone. So chill now. Our bus load of 20 is split into three flights and we wait our turn. I sit at a picnic table in the sunshine, a couple of girls play giant chess over there and parachuting people sail out of the blue sky under huge red and white canopies and land onto the flat green field in front of us. That’ll be me in a bit.

Just now, once the queue for the toilets had cleared I took my turn for a nervous visit – third time today – and met Maeve, who, with the phrase, ‘Are you nervous?’ became my instant anxiety buddy. Succinct life stories revealed that two weeks ago she decided leave Australia, applied for a job in New Zealand and took a four year contract here at 18 years old. ‘Wow. You’re an inspiration,’ I said. ‘Well people think I’m wild,’ she laughed. ‘No, that’s brilliant, whole new life ahead of you. Starting with jumping out of a plane!’

They called flight 13 and she said, ‘Thanks for chatting, I feel a lot calmer now.’

‘I know, me too. Enjoy!’

I’m surrounded by brave people. 

My flight is 14 and now instead of scared im excited. It is by far the most beautiful day of my two weeks here. Crystal clear skies, pristine white mountaintops. Perfect day to be in this huge blue sky. Flight 12 just took off, the little white plane sailing off over the lake. 13 are getting kitted out and we’ll be next. Thank you for the beautiful setting, the gorgeous sunshine, the ample toilets here and the cheeky sign in the cubicle saying ‘Now you’ve dropped off the kids let us drop you out of a plane.’ 

18.18. It is done. Still shaking. There was the initial excited oh my god I did it, and then for the last three hours I still feel crunched up with anxiety. It’s like a delayed reaction because it was too fucking insane to process at the time. 

I JUMPED OUT OF THE SKY!!! 40 seconds of freefall with the wind and sky and mountains all over the place and fuck me I’m in the sky.

It was utterly amazing. So glad I did it. Worth every penny and more. My decision to not drink for the rest of the month has gone straight out the window immediately as Dave hands me a beer as soon as I’m home. 

‘You need a drink after that!’

Yes I do. And will write up the full detailed adventure tomorrow 🙂